| Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht |
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| Principia Harmonia |
| by Princess Unicornia and Fairy Princess Yoshikyoko Founders of Mythics of Harmonia from Principia Harmonia & Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht |
Once upon a time, the Goddess Eris was asked to babysit little cherub Princess Shamlicht.
The princess had been so thirsty and had sucked so much e had drained es wet nurse dry.
With no milk left, the nurse went to look for Hera, who had squirted the entire Milky Way out
of one of es breasts. If anybody had milk, it would be Hera.
Eris thought, “Why did I let myself get stuck babysitting this brat? My sister Aneris never has
to babysit anybody.” Of course that was because Aneris was in charge of non-existence,
and liked making things disappear. Nobody would leave their baby with Aneris.*
The goddess thought about leaving the princess with es brother Spirituality, but didn’t think
the baby girl was ready to become a monk.
But Eris had to do something, because Princess Shamlicht started crying. “I bet e just wants
to be held,” thought Eris. “But I don’t feel like doing it. I have to get somebody to take over
babysitting for me. Who’s good at holding princesses?”
Eris thought, “Of course!” The goddess knew who had a lot of experience doing it, so e used
es star phone and called Saint Fearless Fred. But Fearless Fred said, “I’m sorry, Eris, but I
can’t stop to babysit. I’ve got to rescue a maiden in distress.”
Eris said, “Fred, I’m a maiden in distress. I need somebody to take charge of this baby.”
But Fearless Fred said, “Eris, no offense. You may be in distress, but a maiden you ain’t.”
So Eris got mad and slammed down the phone. But e didn’t slam it on anything, so it went
flying and hit Binky the WonderSkull in the head. Nobody heard Binky cry out, because as
anybody knows a skull has no vocal cords. But a skull has no nerves either, so Binky felt
nothing.
The princess cried even louder. Then Eris thought, “Maybe the princess doesn’t want to be
held. Maybe e’s just hungry. Who’s good at feeding infants?”
Then e thought, “Of course! The Sacred Chao! Who better to give milk to a sacred princess
than a sacred chao?” So e called the Chao on a second star phone because e’d thrown the
first one away. E was going to ask, “Got milk?” But all e heard was a recording. It said, “Mu,
mu, mu, mu, mu. BEEP!” Eris was too upset to bother leaving a message, so e threw the
phone. It flew until it hit Taurus in the crotch. The bull screamed in pain and frustration, for
at that very moment e was trying to mount the unwilling Chao, who was then able to escape.
The princess cried even louder. “I wonder if e needs es diaper changed?” thought Eris. The
goddess looked and saw something moving in Princess Shamlicht’s diaper. Then it came
out, and it was a flying monkey! “Holy crap!” said Eris. “Princess Shamlicht had a monkey
flying out of es butt! No wonder the baby was crying. But I definitely don’t want to do any
diaper changing. Who can I call to help? Who’s good at handling crap?”
Eris thought, “Of course! I know someone who deals with crap all the time.” So e got another
star phone, and called Reverend Loveshade. The reverend came right over. E gently
removed the princess’ dirty diaper, wiped Shamlicht squeaky clean with a page from
Principia Discordia, powdered em with holy fairy dust made from a page of Apocrypha
Discordia, and made a diaper for em out of a page from Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia.
But right after the reverend diapered the princess, the baby girl let loose with a really stinky,
dirty, icky one. Reverend Loveshade looked at the mess the cherub had made on a page of
es book, and said, “Hmm. This makes it look a whole lot better.” So e signed es name to the
page, once again taking credit for someone else’s crap.
As Hera had just given birth to another one of es brother Zeus’ children, e had plenty of milk
to give to the princess’ nurse, who returned and fed Shamlicht. So Eris got freed from
babysitting, Loveshade got another submission, and Princess Shamlicht got milk. Everybody
was happy. Except for Taurus, of course.
The princess had been so thirsty and had sucked so much e had drained es wet nurse dry.
With no milk left, the nurse went to look for Hera, who had squirted the entire Milky Way out
of one of es breasts. If anybody had milk, it would be Hera.
Eris thought, “Why did I let myself get stuck babysitting this brat? My sister Aneris never has
to babysit anybody.” Of course that was because Aneris was in charge of non-existence,
and liked making things disappear. Nobody would leave their baby with Aneris.*
The goddess thought about leaving the princess with es brother Spirituality, but didn’t think
the baby girl was ready to become a monk.
But Eris had to do something, because Princess Shamlicht started crying. “I bet e just wants
to be held,” thought Eris. “But I don’t feel like doing it. I have to get somebody to take over
babysitting for me. Who’s good at holding princesses?”
Eris thought, “Of course!” The goddess knew who had a lot of experience doing it, so e used
es star phone and called Saint Fearless Fred. But Fearless Fred said, “I’m sorry, Eris, but I
can’t stop to babysit. I’ve got to rescue a maiden in distress.”
Eris said, “Fred, I’m a maiden in distress. I need somebody to take charge of this baby.”
But Fearless Fred said, “Eris, no offense. You may be in distress, but a maiden you ain’t.”
So Eris got mad and slammed down the phone. But e didn’t slam it on anything, so it went
flying and hit Binky the WonderSkull in the head. Nobody heard Binky cry out, because as
anybody knows a skull has no vocal cords. But a skull has no nerves either, so Binky felt
nothing.
The princess cried even louder. Then Eris thought, “Maybe the princess doesn’t want to be
held. Maybe e’s just hungry. Who’s good at feeding infants?”
Then e thought, “Of course! The Sacred Chao! Who better to give milk to a sacred princess
than a sacred chao?” So e called the Chao on a second star phone because e’d thrown the
first one away. E was going to ask, “Got milk?” But all e heard was a recording. It said, “Mu,
mu, mu, mu, mu. BEEP!” Eris was too upset to bother leaving a message, so e threw the
phone. It flew until it hit Taurus in the crotch. The bull screamed in pain and frustration, for
at that very moment e was trying to mount the unwilling Chao, who was then able to escape.
The princess cried even louder. “I wonder if e needs es diaper changed?” thought Eris. The
goddess looked and saw something moving in Princess Shamlicht’s diaper. Then it came
out, and it was a flying monkey! “Holy crap!” said Eris. “Princess Shamlicht had a monkey
flying out of es butt! No wonder the baby was crying. But I definitely don’t want to do any
diaper changing. Who can I call to help? Who’s good at handling crap?”
Eris thought, “Of course! I know someone who deals with crap all the time.” So e got another
star phone, and called Reverend Loveshade. The reverend came right over. E gently
removed the princess’ dirty diaper, wiped Shamlicht squeaky clean with a page from
Principia Discordia, powdered em with holy fairy dust made from a page of Apocrypha
Discordia, and made a diaper for em out of a page from Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia.
But right after the reverend diapered the princess, the baby girl let loose with a really stinky,
dirty, icky one. Reverend Loveshade looked at the mess the cherub had made on a page of
es book, and said, “Hmm. This makes it look a whole lot better.” So e signed es name to the
page, once again taking credit for someone else’s crap.
As Hera had just given birth to another one of es brother Zeus’ children, e had plenty of milk
to give to the princess’ nurse, who returned and fed Shamlicht. So Eris got freed from
babysitting, Loveshade got another submission, and Princess Shamlicht got milk. Everybody
was happy. Except for Taurus, of course.
| The End |
* According to the Mythics of Harmonia, the real Aneris doesn’t make anyone disappear who doesn’t want
to, and helps innocent people escape persecution. The “sister” in this story is really Mictecacihuatl, the
Aztec Lady of the Dead. The Lady died as an infant and watches over dead people, so is probably not the
best person to ask to keep an eye on a live baby. On the other hand, Aneris aka Harmonia is great with
babies.
According to Reverend Loveshade, the Mythics of Harmonia are full of crap. But e loves them anyway.
to, and helps innocent people escape persecution. The “sister” in this story is really Mictecacihuatl, the
Aztec Lady of the Dead. The Lady died as an infant and watches over dead people, so is probably not the
best person to ask to keep an eye on a live baby. On the other hand, Aneris aka Harmonia is great with
babies.
According to Reverend Loveshade, the Mythics of Harmonia are full of crap. But e loves them anyway.
| * * * * * |
T Arthur Rackham illustration of Alice and the Pig copyright expired; image of Ravi Varma breastfeeding
copyright expired; Milky Way image is by NASA and not copyrighted; moped image is by Thor-Rune Hansen
and is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 1.0 License; The Sacred Chao Udder
image is public domain; Flying Monkeys is by W. W. Denslow and copyright has expired; Jocopo Tintoretto
painting 10.000 Meisterwerke der Malerei is a reproduction in The Yorck Project that is copyrighted by The
Yorck Project and licensed under the GNU Free Documentation License.
copyright expired; Milky Way image is by NASA and not copyrighted; moped image is by Thor-Rune Hansen
and is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 1.0 License; The Sacred Chao Udder
image is public domain; Flying Monkeys is by W. W. Denslow and copyright has expired; Jocopo Tintoretto
painting 10.000 Meisterwerke der Malerei is a reproduction in The Yorck Project that is copyrighted by The
Yorck Project and licensed under the GNU Free Documentation License.
| This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5 License. |