| Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht |
 |
| Very Slightly Revised on 46 Chaos 3173 (to make it less accurate) |
| being part of Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht, which is most convenient |
| The Origin of Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht as revealed to Reverend Loveshade in a dream by Goddess Discordia Goddess Harmonia Princess Shamlicht and the 537 Bonobo Illuminated Apes of Nowhen |
Where do we begin?
Where do we start? We could go back to the Ancient Greeks when they had their first murky perception
of Eris (seen as Discordia by the Ancient Romans); or to the beginning of Principia Discordia with a
revelation in a California bowling alley; or to the online explosion that lead to Apocrypha Discordia. Or
we could even try to listen for the echoes of the secret discussion in a college student government office
that gave breath to the original Ek-sen-triks Cluborguild; or reach back into time to feel for the first
perceptible heartbeat of the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild. But all of that would
take too much research.
So instead we’ll start with the actual conception of Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht as
it came one day to Reverend Loveshade. This was when the Rev. and es associates were scattered to
the five winds in fear of being found by The Agents of Greyface.
On Mid Year’s Day, Saturday, 2 July 2005, the Rev. was sitting outside in the sun on a friend’s small
farm in the outskirts of Janus County, Texas. (This was also Pugenday, 37 Confusion 3171. Note that it
was the 5th year of the new Gregorian century, and the 37th day of the Discordian season). E was
contemplating es place in the universe, wondering what to do with the rest of es life, and wishing e knew
when it would be safe to come out of hiding. E was also being pestered by an annoying black crow that
continued saying something that sounded like “smagmoid.”
“Oh Divine Discordia, Goddess of Chaos,” said the Rev., “please harken unto me, and give me answers
to my questions. Who can fight The Agents of Greyface when they are armed with the weapons of mass
destruction named Fear and Ignorance? Why do they war against preparing individuals to handle the
responsibilities of freedom, all in the name of protecting individual freedom? How can I and my friends
know when to come out of hiding? And when it is time for me to return, where should I go and what
should I do? Oh, and why does that stupid crow keeping repeating, ‘smagmoid?’ What the hell is
‘smagmoid?’”
No answers being immediately forthcoming, e decided to have lunch. This consisted of a hot dog in a
bun (it wasn’t a Friday) with catsup, mustard, pickle relish, sauerkraut and chili with beans and bits of
fried Spam; some cottage cheese topped with a slice of pineapple and a maraschino cherry; and some
green olives stuffed with red pimento. The Rev. followed that up with some French vanilla ice cream
mixed with bananas, chunky peanut butter and strawberry jam and topped with whipped cream. Having
run out of wine, e sipped on some iced Earl Grey tea with honey and lemon. While leaning against a
partially-stripped birch tree, e closed es eyes and listened to the sounds of cows mooing, cats fighting
over a fish head, the crow pecking at a dead snake, and a lone duck quacking while it floated in an old
water trough. E fell asleep while thinking some not-so-decent thoughts about The Mary...and dreamed.
E dreamed of flying while someone held es hand. E looked and saw it was a beautiful lady with hair in all
the colours of the rainbow. The lady’s eyes were blue as the sky, but then became black as space, and
full of stars. The lady wore nothing but a thin white gown that let the stars and a red sun shine through,
revealing things most glorious. They reminded the Rev. of the glorious things of The Mary, which e liked
to contemplate when e was alone in the bath.
The lady spoke to Reverend Loveshade and said, “Stop thinking about The Mary, and listen to me. I am
Eris, whom you call Discordia, and am the revealer of Principia Discordia. Since ancient times, I have
preordained my coming to you in a dream to show you many things, things of great importance to all
people, things that could affect the very future of the human race, indeed of all sentient life. But right
now I have an appointment to get my hair dyed in a reasonable colour, so I must let you go. Good
luck.” With that, the lady let go of Loveshade’s hand, and the reverend fell.
“I am about to die,” thought the Rev., but strangely didn’t feel particularly upset about it. For at that
moment Aneris, Eris’ sister who liked making existent things nonexistent, appeared in the sky wearing
nothing but a giant two-headed serpent.
“I am Harmonia,” said the Goddess. “Do not feel alone. You are not the only one dropping dead.
Look!” The Goddess pointed to other falling things. Side by side fell a pair of rosy wineskin jugs filled
with juice. One was labeled Hodge, and one was labeled Podge, but both were embroidered with a hot
pink star from the Milky Way. Beneath them fell a green and purple Chao who mooed backwards.
Swimming immediately underneath the Chao was a killifish who wore a mask like that of the Lone Ranger
and claimed es name was Walker. Or maybe it was Walter, the Rev. wasn’t sure. Then under a small
black hole descended a furry tailless cat who danced with a hot dog. Loveshade looked as e continued
to fall, but didn’t see any buns.
But then came a cute naked cherub who had hundreds of tiny monkeys flying out of es butt. The
cherub didn’t speak directly to Reverend Loveshade, but the monkeys, who grew to the size of small
chimpanzees, spoke for the little angel. They spoke one at a time, each saying only one syllable. And
they all sounded like a duck. “I am Princess Shamlicht, daughter of Discordia and Harmonia and the two-
headed serpent Dildo Diploos. You are about to crash and die, but don’t panic. It’s only a little death.
You’ll get better.
“But listen to the monkeys who speak for me, for they are in truth not monkeys but the 537 Bonobo
Illuminated Apes of Nowhen. They have worn their tails too long, and now they must give them to you.
“Once you have received the tails, there are Five Things you must do. First, you must swallow their
tails, digest them, and then record the results. Fnord. Second, you must give some of the tails to
others, let them swallow and digest them, and record their results. Fnord. But do not let all of the tails
be consumed, for some must be kept hidden for future generations to discover and swallow. These two
things will take 5 years and 37 days, maybe more, maybe less. I am not an accountant.
“Third, you must then collect them and put them in a pile, and declare the pile to be Ek-sen-trik-kuh
Discordia. You will then spread it far and wide, for digested flying monkey tails make great fertilizer.
Fnord.
“Fourth, you must search for the meaning of the word ‘fnord.’ And while you’re at it, look up ‘smagmoid,’
too.”
“There’s something else important I should tell you, perhaps the most important thing of all. But I’m
running out of talking apes. I really should teach them how to say more than one syllable each.
Perhaps I’ll do that someday. But that won’t do you any good, for you’re about to crash. Oh well.”
And with that, Reverend Loveshade woke up suddenly with an awful tummy ache. “It must have been
the tea,” e thought. The Rev. wondered how long e had slept. E looked at the time, and it was 5:37.
Then a cock crowed. Then the annoying crow cocked its head and said, “smagmoid.” Loveshade
ignored all that, and instead thought of the strange dream and the instructions given by the 537
bonobos who spoke for the cherub.
But es tummy still hurt, so e decided to go back to sleep while resting against the tree with the partially
stripped bark. E then had a much nicer dream that involved emself with The Mary, Discordia, Harmonia,
Cherub Princess Shamlicht, BloodStar, Binky the WonderSkull, three feather boas, five rubber chickens,
and a huge bathtub filled with 5,537 liters of whipped cream. The dream came to a climax right as e
woke up, this time with a lap covered with spilled dessert topping. E wiped emself off and was about to
take another nap. But a deputy of the Janus County Sheriff’s Department showed up and arrested the
birch tree for indecent exposure. Left without a napping tree, the Rev. had nothing to do but start
writing. And that’s how Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht was conceived.
of Eris (seen as Discordia by the Ancient Romans); or to the beginning of Principia Discordia with a
revelation in a California bowling alley; or to the online explosion that lead to Apocrypha Discordia. Or
we could even try to listen for the echoes of the secret discussion in a college student government office
that gave breath to the original Ek-sen-triks Cluborguild; or reach back into time to feel for the first
perceptible heartbeat of the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild. But all of that would
take too much research.
So instead we’ll start with the actual conception of Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht as
it came one day to Reverend Loveshade. This was when the Rev. and es associates were scattered to
the five winds in fear of being found by The Agents of Greyface.
On Mid Year’s Day, Saturday, 2 July 2005, the Rev. was sitting outside in the sun on a friend’s small
farm in the outskirts of Janus County, Texas. (This was also Pugenday, 37 Confusion 3171. Note that it
was the 5th year of the new Gregorian century, and the 37th day of the Discordian season). E was
contemplating es place in the universe, wondering what to do with the rest of es life, and wishing e knew
when it would be safe to come out of hiding. E was also being pestered by an annoying black crow that
continued saying something that sounded like “smagmoid.”
“Oh Divine Discordia, Goddess of Chaos,” said the Rev., “please harken unto me, and give me answers
to my questions. Who can fight The Agents of Greyface when they are armed with the weapons of mass
destruction named Fear and Ignorance? Why do they war against preparing individuals to handle the
responsibilities of freedom, all in the name of protecting individual freedom? How can I and my friends
know when to come out of hiding? And when it is time for me to return, where should I go and what
should I do? Oh, and why does that stupid crow keeping repeating, ‘smagmoid?’ What the hell is
‘smagmoid?’”
No answers being immediately forthcoming, e decided to have lunch. This consisted of a hot dog in a
bun (it wasn’t a Friday) with catsup, mustard, pickle relish, sauerkraut and chili with beans and bits of
fried Spam; some cottage cheese topped with a slice of pineapple and a maraschino cherry; and some
green olives stuffed with red pimento. The Rev. followed that up with some French vanilla ice cream
mixed with bananas, chunky peanut butter and strawberry jam and topped with whipped cream. Having
run out of wine, e sipped on some iced Earl Grey tea with honey and lemon. While leaning against a
partially-stripped birch tree, e closed es eyes and listened to the sounds of cows mooing, cats fighting
over a fish head, the crow pecking at a dead snake, and a lone duck quacking while it floated in an old
water trough. E fell asleep while thinking some not-so-decent thoughts about The Mary...and dreamed.
E dreamed of flying while someone held es hand. E looked and saw it was a beautiful lady with hair in all
the colours of the rainbow. The lady’s eyes were blue as the sky, but then became black as space, and
full of stars. The lady wore nothing but a thin white gown that let the stars and a red sun shine through,
revealing things most glorious. They reminded the Rev. of the glorious things of The Mary, which e liked
to contemplate when e was alone in the bath.
The lady spoke to Reverend Loveshade and said, “Stop thinking about The Mary, and listen to me. I am
Eris, whom you call Discordia, and am the revealer of Principia Discordia. Since ancient times, I have
preordained my coming to you in a dream to show you many things, things of great importance to all
people, things that could affect the very future of the human race, indeed of all sentient life. But right
now I have an appointment to get my hair dyed in a reasonable colour, so I must let you go. Good
luck.” With that, the lady let go of Loveshade’s hand, and the reverend fell.
“I am about to die,” thought the Rev., but strangely didn’t feel particularly upset about it. For at that
moment Aneris, Eris’ sister who liked making existent things nonexistent, appeared in the sky wearing
nothing but a giant two-headed serpent.
“I am Harmonia,” said the Goddess. “Do not feel alone. You are not the only one dropping dead.
Look!” The Goddess pointed to other falling things. Side by side fell a pair of rosy wineskin jugs filled
with juice. One was labeled Hodge, and one was labeled Podge, but both were embroidered with a hot
pink star from the Milky Way. Beneath them fell a green and purple Chao who mooed backwards.
Swimming immediately underneath the Chao was a killifish who wore a mask like that of the Lone Ranger
and claimed es name was Walker. Or maybe it was Walter, the Rev. wasn’t sure. Then under a small
black hole descended a furry tailless cat who danced with a hot dog. Loveshade looked as e continued
to fall, but didn’t see any buns.
But then came a cute naked cherub who had hundreds of tiny monkeys flying out of es butt. The
cherub didn’t speak directly to Reverend Loveshade, but the monkeys, who grew to the size of small
chimpanzees, spoke for the little angel. They spoke one at a time, each saying only one syllable. And
they all sounded like a duck. “I am Princess Shamlicht, daughter of Discordia and Harmonia and the two-
headed serpent Dildo Diploos. You are about to crash and die, but don’t panic. It’s only a little death.
You’ll get better.
“But listen to the monkeys who speak for me, for they are in truth not monkeys but the 537 Bonobo
Illuminated Apes of Nowhen. They have worn their tails too long, and now they must give them to you.
“Once you have received the tails, there are Five Things you must do. First, you must swallow their
tails, digest them, and then record the results. Fnord. Second, you must give some of the tails to
others, let them swallow and digest them, and record their results. Fnord. But do not let all of the tails
be consumed, for some must be kept hidden for future generations to discover and swallow. These two
things will take 5 years and 37 days, maybe more, maybe less. I am not an accountant.
“Third, you must then collect them and put them in a pile, and declare the pile to be Ek-sen-trik-kuh
Discordia. You will then spread it far and wide, for digested flying monkey tails make great fertilizer.
Fnord.
“Fourth, you must search for the meaning of the word ‘fnord.’ And while you’re at it, look up ‘smagmoid,’
too.”
“There’s something else important I should tell you, perhaps the most important thing of all. But I’m
running out of talking apes. I really should teach them how to say more than one syllable each.
Perhaps I’ll do that someday. But that won’t do you any good, for you’re about to crash. Oh well.”
And with that, Reverend Loveshade woke up suddenly with an awful tummy ache. “It must have been
the tea,” e thought. The Rev. wondered how long e had slept. E looked at the time, and it was 5:37.
Then a cock crowed. Then the annoying crow cocked its head and said, “smagmoid.” Loveshade
ignored all that, and instead thought of the strange dream and the instructions given by the 537
bonobos who spoke for the cherub.
But es tummy still hurt, so e decided to go back to sleep while resting against the tree with the partially
stripped bark. E then had a much nicer dream that involved emself with The Mary, Discordia, Harmonia,
Cherub Princess Shamlicht, BloodStar, Binky the WonderSkull, three feather boas, five rubber chickens,
and a huge bathtub filled with 5,537 liters of whipped cream. The dream came to a climax right as e
woke up, this time with a lap covered with spilled dessert topping. E wiped emself off and was about to
take another nap. But a deputy of the Janus County Sheriff’s Department showed up and arrested the
birch tree for indecent exposure. Left without a napping tree, the Rev. had nothing to do but start
writing. And that’s how Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht was conceived.
| "Smagmoid!" said The Crow Who Says Smagmoid. |
Honor The Mary
today by thinking
about her indecently.
today by thinking
about her indecently.
"Stop thinking about
The Mary!"
The Mary!"
| Our rival group, the Mythics of Harmonia, insisted we add a part about Aneris/Harmonia. But after we added it, they didn't like it. Hah! |
| Note the clever use of symbolism--> |
Clever pun, huh?
"It must have been
the tea," thought
Alice.
the tea," thought
Alice.
| Support your local corrupt sheriff. |
"Ok, I got to figure this out. If a human has sex with a beast, it's
bestiality. So if an inflatable doll has sex with a real person, is
it reality?"
--Reverend Loveshade
24 October 2001
(Maladay 3167)
bestiality. So if an inflatable doll has sex with a real person, is
it reality?"
--Reverend Loveshade
24 October 2001
(Maladay 3167)
| This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5 License. |