| Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht |
 |
| (being frequently asked questions about saints) |
| by Reverend Loveshade and Paco the Fruit Bat answering for the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild |
What is a Saint? A Saint is a real or fictional person worthy of extreme
unction and veneration and smagmoidation who is canonized as a Saint.
Our Saints must lead an ek-sen-trik discordian life of extraordinary
quality, promote ek-sen-trik discord to a supreme degree, and perform
2.3 miraculous or wondrous or smagmoidally weird acts of an ek-sen-trik
discordian nature, whether before or during or after death. (Or a Saint
could be a Divinely Revered Object of Obscene Lust. This is how St.
The Mary qualified.) Saints are usually dead (or fictional) so we know
they aren’t going to screw up and become anally-retentive accountants
for the Church of Greyface, or Cabbage Lovers or something. But very
occasionally we’ll recognize someone real and still living who is so
thoroughly Goddess-saturated that we know e will never dry up.
How can a Saint be fictional? Just ask the Roman Catholics. Such saints
as Saint Christopher and Saint George and whatever that Saint of the
Dead is called are often said to be fictional. But they still get prayer and
veneration.
But don’t all Saints have to be dead? You’re confusing us with the
Roman Catholics. Protestant Saints don’t have to be dead, or otherwise
the song “When the Saints Come Marching In” would be too weird to sing
in church. And Principia Discordia recognizes St. Yossarian, who
probably wasn’t dead yet. Furthermore, note that it says, on page 39, “...
Dr. Mojo is an imposter and...PATAMUNZO LINGANANDA is the True
Second Apostle.” The book specifies “is” not “was.” And while Greg Hill
(who was inhabited by Malaclypse the Younger) said saints should be
dead or fictional, Kerry Thornley (who inhabited Lord Omar Khayyam
Ravenhurst) declared emself a saint while still alive, so there.
OK Fine. But what do you have against accountants? Can’t accountants
be Saints? Certainly an accountant could become a Saint, and may
have already. Some even claim our Patron Saint, Pat Pineapple, was
once an accountant, or once knew an accountant, at least in the Biblical
sense. We were only talking about anally-retentive accountants for the
Church of Greyface. They don’t stand a chance.
What about cabbages? What do you have against cabbages? How can
you make a pineapple a Saint and not let cabbages even be members?
Is it because a cabbage is a vegetable and not a fruit? Are you fruit-
sympathizers and anti-vegetablists? Don’t be ridiculous. A cabbage as a
Saint? Get serious. Quit fooling around and ask us what you really want
to know.
OK here it is. What I really want to know is how can I get obscene
photos and movies of Saint The Mary without asking because I’m too
embarrassed, and without paying for them because I’m too cheap, and
how can I keep them forever hidden from my significant other who might
leave me out of jealousy, and from The Agents of Greyface who would
arrest me for possession of obscene material and make me a Registered
Sex Offender for the rest of my life? Pray for a miracle.
unction and veneration and smagmoidation who is canonized as a Saint.
Our Saints must lead an ek-sen-trik discordian life of extraordinary
quality, promote ek-sen-trik discord to a supreme degree, and perform
2.3 miraculous or wondrous or smagmoidally weird acts of an ek-sen-trik
discordian nature, whether before or during or after death. (Or a Saint
could be a Divinely Revered Object of Obscene Lust. This is how St.
The Mary qualified.) Saints are usually dead (or fictional) so we know
they aren’t going to screw up and become anally-retentive accountants
for the Church of Greyface, or Cabbage Lovers or something. But very
occasionally we’ll recognize someone real and still living who is so
thoroughly Goddess-saturated that we know e will never dry up.
How can a Saint be fictional? Just ask the Roman Catholics. Such saints
as Saint Christopher and Saint George and whatever that Saint of the
Dead is called are often said to be fictional. But they still get prayer and
veneration.
But don’t all Saints have to be dead? You’re confusing us with the
Roman Catholics. Protestant Saints don’t have to be dead, or otherwise
the song “When the Saints Come Marching In” would be too weird to sing
in church. And Principia Discordia recognizes St. Yossarian, who
probably wasn’t dead yet. Furthermore, note that it says, on page 39, “...
Dr. Mojo is an imposter and...PATAMUNZO LINGANANDA is the True
Second Apostle.” The book specifies “is” not “was.” And while Greg Hill
(who was inhabited by Malaclypse the Younger) said saints should be
dead or fictional, Kerry Thornley (who inhabited Lord Omar Khayyam
Ravenhurst) declared emself a saint while still alive, so there.
OK Fine. But what do you have against accountants? Can’t accountants
be Saints? Certainly an accountant could become a Saint, and may
have already. Some even claim our Patron Saint, Pat Pineapple, was
once an accountant, or once knew an accountant, at least in the Biblical
sense. We were only talking about anally-retentive accountants for the
Church of Greyface. They don’t stand a chance.
What about cabbages? What do you have against cabbages? How can
you make a pineapple a Saint and not let cabbages even be members?
Is it because a cabbage is a vegetable and not a fruit? Are you fruit-
sympathizers and anti-vegetablists? Don’t be ridiculous. A cabbage as a
Saint? Get serious. Quit fooling around and ask us what you really want
to know.
OK here it is. What I really want to know is how can I get obscene
photos and movies of Saint The Mary without asking because I’m too
embarrassed, and without paying for them because I’m too cheap, and
how can I keep them forever hidden from my significant other who might
leave me out of jealousy, and from The Agents of Greyface who would
arrest me for possession of obscene material and make me a Registered
Sex Offender for the rest of my life? Pray for a miracle.
| "O, to be in the latrine now that spring is here." --Proposed Saint Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce |
| This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5 License. |