|A sample Snooze Letter of
the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild
DISCORDIAN DIVISION OF THE EK-SEN-TRIKS CLUBORGUILD
in praise of the Goddess Discordia
and a good piece of pizza
Prickle-Prickle, 10 Bureacracy 3170
(mundanely Tuesday, 17 August 2004)
otherwise known as
The Hot Doggy Style Issue
MEANINGLESS INTRODUCTORY CRAP
(“Pick up that dog crap, Henry!”)
Someone pointed out that a “monthly” newsletter means it appears once a
month, like a period. But our Crack Research Team learned that Sexually-
Mature Females can have early periods, late periods and even skip periods
altogether, so that accounts for the unpredictability of our news litter timetable.
If we all get pregnant, you may not see it for a year! (Headline: ”Editorial Team
Gives Birth to Puppies!”) But don’t worry, that’s not likely to happen. We all use
condiments on our hot dogs.
You probably noticed that our newsletter is being sent as plain text only this
month. This is because so many of you Discordians are concerned about
attachments containing nasty viruses that could eat or alter or expose those
computer photos that you’re hiding from Mommy (“My Goddess, that poodle isn’t
wearing any pants!”) that we decided to try this. Plus it’s the Dog Days of
August and we were too busy lazing at the c-optional beach to do a real layout
We haven’t actually kicked anybody out since last time. Oh, except for
FEARLESS FRED, but we always kick em out. It would be so much more fun if e
would actually join.
But we do have some new members! Give five (5) to the following dawgs, homie:
ANUS FAMILIARUS, New Member, Member Name.
DANACASSO, New Member, Member Name.
THE MARY, New Member, Member Name, Keeper of the Holy Chao Belly (it’s a
tattoo!), and Saint Second Class.
Someone foolishly neglected to specify that we wanted descriptions of our new
members to appear in this here newsletter (D’oh!), so we’re now asking for the
next newsletter. ALL NEW MEMBERS: Please send us a description of yourself
and keep it to 23 words or less, or at least close to it. A photo or link to same
would be cool (and yes, all our officially-sent photos are still limited to the United
States of America’s nastiness rating of G to PG-13, so keep that in mind. And
no, we don’t like that $*#(%! restriction either).
By the way, also keep in mind that we’d really like member names to be 32
characters or less (that includes spaces). We wouldn’t care if your name were
the length of Brittanica Three, but it’s too damn hard to fit into anything.
Remember, you can always add crap to the end of your official name; i.e., Spot
the Dead Puppy (official name, followed by the unofficial
Why 32 letters/numbers/spaces instead of 23? Because of PAGANUS
GRIMLOVE THE UNCANONIZED, our first Saint Second Class. Count the letters
and spaces in es name and be enlightened.
Add these names to your milk cartoon as MIAs:
BLOODSTAR (Actually BloodStar. Still missing. Apparently left earth about 23
+ 5 months ago and hasn’t been seen since.)
TOO RIPE MELONS (Email to es email address was returned for no such
address. Please help--we really miss those melons!)
NOT EXACTLY MYTHING ANYMORE
REVEREND LOVESHADE (Our Episkopos, in limited communication due to a
continuing investigation by The Agents of Greyface--this, unfortunately, is not a
NEW WORLD DISORDER
We have a NEW DIS-ORDER (not dis-coincidentally tied to a new saint)! THE
ORDER OF THE HOLY CHAO BELLY RUBBERS is now official (or as official as
we ever get). As THE MARY has the Discordian Sacred Chao tattooed on es
belly and as e is a Saint Second Class, members of the order are those
Discordians or others of like ilk whom THE MARY verifies rubbed the belly WITH
es permission. Much as we might want it to be otherwise, THE BELLY belongs
to THE MARY, not to us. (By the way, the order’s alternate name, designed to
confuse our enemas, is “THE ORDER OF THUKBERS.” This is from the initials,
The Order of T.H.C.B.R.--note that T.H.C.B.R. is pretty close to THuCkBeR), So
if you want to be a True Thuckber, ask permission before rubbing. (If an angry
Jeannie pops out after you rub and sends you to Dallas, Texas, don’t blame us.
<--note obscure and extremely humorous TV reference. We are so clever, aren’
WEBSITE OF THE MONTH
In a break with tradition (hey, who needs to follow tradition?), we’ve selected a
new member’s website as Website of the Month. But hey, e’s a saint, so why
not! Visit themary.aaquaria.com or die. (That’s after being cut into 537 pieces
and stuffed into a cabbage boiled in skunk juice). Ok, so we won’t really kill
you. But it’s a good chance to learn about our newest Saint and practice your
worship and adoration skills for when the Hostile Space Aliens come (look for
them in March 2012! Or is that May?).
MEMBER NEWS OF THE MONTH
One of our members (name withheld by request) got a job picking up puppy
poop! “Those puppies just love leaving me presents!” Actually, the member is
working in a pet store with fish, snakes, scorpions, spiders, nasty big-teethed
bunnies and other multi-legged/winged/finned creatures of fur and feather and
scale and skin. “The only thing that’s bit me so far was a dwarf hamster.” Gimli
had a hamster?
One of our members (name kept under wraps by request) went to a newdust
beach for the first time! “It’s like once you get used to it, it feels totally natural!”
We have a trunk-ful (not the swimming kind) of applicable old jokes we could
reveal, but we were barely able to keep from exposing ourselves as rip-off artists
and thus saved our skins.
Bonus News: Number of known members who have been investigated in the last
23 + 5 months by a single conspiracy of The Agents of Greyface: Five (no,
unfortunately we aren’t making this up).
33 Bureaucracy 3170 (9 Sept. 2004): CAT DANCING DAY. Dance with a Cat,
Dance with somebody who has a Cat, do a Cat Dance, or just do something
having to do with Cats and/or Dancing, or something having to do with Feet (this
is also FOOT FETISH DAY--feet dance, after all). (Note: members are free to
substitute synonyms for “cat” and/or “dancing.”)
THIS MONTH’S READINGS FROM THE FIVE HOLY BOOKS
(of the D & D of the E.C.G.)
(Generally to be read on a Friday or other day ending in “y.” All of these more
or less apply to this month’s theme, or something else in this issue, although this
may not apply to alternate readings)
PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA, 4TH EDITION: Pages 00004, 00032-00033, 00047,
00056, 00060 (5TH EDITION owners should read the whole thing, only
APOCRYPHA DISCORDIA, 2ND EDITION: Page 00014
THE BY-LAWS OF THE EK-SEN-TRIKS CLUBORGUILD (If anyone actually has
the Third Holy Book, please send us a copy. We’d like to publish a report on it,
but our dog ate it.)
THE BOOK OF LIES AND OTHER GAMES (As this doesn’t have any page
numbers, open it at random and read whatever appears. It will apply.)
SEARS 1975 SPRING AND SUMMER CATALOG: Pages 778-782 (appropriate
selections only--or you can just look at the pictures. Those heretics who believe
the True Fifth Holy Book is the SEARS 1975 FALL AND WINTER CATALOG may
read pages 995-999 instead, but read it all)
BOTTOM OF THE NEWSLETTER
(You can stop pushing the snooze button--go back to sleep)
The Snooze Letter of the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild is
copyright no one, mostly because who on Earth would want to steal it? If you
want to copy it, post it, print it, go ahead--just please don’t change anything
without saying so.
READ ME: If you send us an email, begin the subject of your email with ECG,
Eksentriks, Discordia, or something equally obviously Discordian (make it
obvious!). We get a lot of spam, and without that, you might be deleted.
Attachments will not ordinarily be opened (We don’t want to get a virus or rabies
or something). Send it to Editor (or something reasonably close) at
email@example.com . We Reserve the Right to Post, Edit, Fold, Spindle and
Mutilate All Contributions. If you do not want your email or portion of it to appear
in the newsletter, it’s up to you to tell us.
If you want to be added to our emailing list, send us an email and say so. If you
want to be taken off our emailing list, send us an email and say so. If you want
to make a suggestion, criticism, nomination, membership application,
contribution or retribution, or tell us 101 things you can do with a dead puppy,
send us an email and say so. As we add and subtract by hand, it may take us a
few days, so be patient. We don’t share our email lists with anybody, so if you
get any spam it’s not because of us. Blame it on Hostile Space Aliens (A.S.H.
Backwards), or the ever-popular The Agents of Greyface (T.A.G.)
Note: Did you notice that the Stupid Theme of the Month for this issue was dogs,
and we never once used the word “bitch?”
|Copyright my doggy's doo doo. In other words copyright no one use as you will bitch.