|A sample Snooze Letter of
the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild
OF THE EK-SEN-TRIKS CLUBORGUILD
in praise of the Goddess Discordia
and existentialistic rocky road ice cream
Setting Orange, 26 Bureacracy 3170
(mundanely Thursday, 2 September 2004)
otherwise known as
The Hello Kitty Issue
100% Discordian Catma
MEANINGLESS, MEANINGLESS; EVERYTHING IS MEANINGLESS
(Wasn’t King Solomon a barrel of laughs?)
This issue is shorter than usual (what’s usual), mostly because we just put out
the last issue (that’s something like putting out the cat). Actually, it’s not
shorter. We just made more of it up.
For gross incompetence, we remove FEARLESS (part cat) FRED.
For gross incompetence, we install FEARLESS (part cat) FRED.
Sorry, other than the usual FF in and out, none this month! (Mostly because
our last newletter was so late we got all the new members in it).
But member TROUBLED TEEN wants to do a name change to UNTROUBLED
TEEN. Hmm, didn’t it used to be UNTROUBLED TEEN? This really credits
chaos with our records so, oh yeah, ok.
And we do still want self-mutilations--oh wait, we mean self-descriptions--from
new members ANUS FAMILIARUS, DANACASSO, and THE MARY. Please send
us a bio on yourself in 23 words or less or not much more and we won’t rub your
cat’s fur backwards! Links to photos of yourself would be nice (a bonus if they
have anything to do with “kitties”) but remember nothing that couldn’t appear in
a PG-13 motion pictures.
BLOODSTAR and TOO RIPE MELONS are still missing. Missing what we don’t
(is that what it’s called? We forget)
Congrats to member UNTROUBLED TEEN (formerly Troubled Teen) who
participated in a Flash Mob! (To those who were taking cat naps last time we
described these, you get a group of people together and do something that the
normals consider odd and/or bizarre, something probably purposeless, if legal.
Then as soon as it’s done, you discretely disperse and disappear.) They did a
semi-spontaneous protest at a city hall and chanted, “Recall Mitzi, Recall Mitzi!”
Note that no one in or associated with the city hall is named Mitzi. Well done
and a Fanny Slap for you! (Oh, how we love slapping fannies!)
ANTI-PARTY POLITICAL CONTENTION
We don’t take sides on political issues--no, actually, we like to take three or four
sides at once. Ok, five sides--make mine a pentagon. (Can we have fries with
that?) But we have to recognize those “volunteers” who snuck into the Re-Erect
George Dubya “have you seen my daughters?” Bush For President Republican
Convention. They came in cleverly disguised as loyal volunteers, but were
taken out (some in handcuffs) as--surprise!--protestors! A Discordian act if ever
we saw one--Discord was created, no one was hurt, and The Political Order of
the Party for War on Evil was embarrassed (so, like what level of security did
they have?) Salute! And Party on, Dudes!
WEBSITE OF THE MONTH
For you true blue political pundits, we want to honor our current adminstration
by suggesting you visit www.whitehouse.org . (Anyone who knows sites that do
the same to other candidates is welcome to submit in subjection! Oh, no, we
mean submit a suggestion. Yeah, that’s what we meant. Honest. We aren’t
part of some Secret Conspiracy to Rule the World or anything. Really. Fnord.)
MEMBER NEWS OF THE MONTH
This is from the Separation of Church and State Department. UNICORNIA, who
is Wiccan, has her own version of the American Pledge of Allegiance (yes, we
know there’s lots of American references this month--sorry Greece and
Australia!). She doesn’t say the “One nation under God” part the way THEY
want her to. Instead, she and her Wiccan friends assert their beliefs by saying,
“One nation under God and Goddess.” Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia! (By the
way, Unicornia, have you thought about changing your name to Unicordia? Or
Unicornea, which would mean “one eye.” You know, a one-eyed horn is a . . .
All right Feline Fanatics, here’s some purrty cool cat questions! (What do these
have to do with Discordianism? Uh, nothing. So, like, what’s your point?)
1) Which if the following creatures is not mentioned anywhere in the King James
Version of the Bible? (Note: the KJV does not include the Gospel According to
Fred, which is why Roman Catholics don’t use it).
Frogs, Dogs, Dragons, Satyrs, Unicorns, Cats, Locusts? (Hint: What’s the
theme of this month’s issue? Like, duh!)
2) Pussy Galore and Octopussy appeared in movie series featuring which very
3) Name five people who’ve played Cat Woman. (That’s played Cat Woman, not
played with Cat Woman).
4) We give cats milk, chicken, and tuna. When in nature is an adult cat going to
be drinking milk, or eating a rooster (hmm, cat eating a rooster--think about it),
or catching a tuna? So why don’t they make cat food out of what cats really eat,
bugs and lizards and mice?
5) When does a cat smell like fish?
Answers will appear in next month’s issue, assuming we can find them. And that’
s if we remember to look. And if we really want to print the answers.
DISCORDIAN KITTY LITTER--OOPS WE MEAN DISCORDIAN KITTY LYRICS
It’s not a Discordian song--it was sung by Girl Scouts and Brownies and Camp
Fire Girls and other Sweet Innocent Do-Gooders in the 1950s to 1960s. But in
today’s world, we think the lyrics to this song sound just a little different than
what was probably intended. Imagine those 1950s Girl Scouts singing this
around a fire:
I have a little pussy, her fur is silver grey
She lives down in the meadow, not very far away
She'll always be a pussy, she'll never be a cat
For she's a pussy willow, now what do you think of that?
(We would give credit, but it appears to have been written by one of the most
prolific of writers, annonymous).
33 Bureaucracy 3170 (9 Sept. 2004): CAT DANCING DAY. Dance with a Cat,
Dance with somebody who has a Cat, do a Cat Dance, or just do something
having to do with Cats and/or Dancing, or something having to do with Feet (this
is also FOOT FETISH DAY--feet dance, after all.) By the way, what does a cat
have to do with the 9th day of the 9th month?
THIS MONTH’S READINGS FROM THE FIVE HOLY BOOKS
(of the D & D of the E.C.G.)
(Do not read in the shower when wet, and when in the bathtub do not pretend
anything plugged in is a rubber ducky. Dry off first--remember your towel,
hitchhikers! Or if you really are a feline, just use your tongue. Consult an early
scene of a certain musical version of Alice in Wonderland if needed.)
PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA, 4TH EDITION: Page 00060.
APOCRYPHA DISCORDIA, 2ND EDITION: Page 00014.
THE BY-LAWS OF THE EK-SEN-TRIKS CLUBORGUILD: Read all pages with
THE BOOK OF LIES AND OTHER GAMES: You know the drill. Open at random.
SEARS 1975 SPRING AND SUMMER CATALOG (Note: CAT-alog): Check out
the Ek-sen-triks’ favorite number, page 537, which lists “vibrators,” “lubricants,”
and “force pumps.” (Do those have anything to do with “cats”?) Also see page
781 with the “Cat Cottage” and “Kitti Potti.” Historical note: In 1975 America,
dogs were a lot more popular than cats, which explains while much of pages 778-
782 feature doggy stuff whereas only 1/4 of one page has feline accessories.
And if you think the True Fifth Holy Book is the SEARS 1975 FALL AND WINTER
CATALOG, real all pages that have a “9” in them.)
BOTTOM OF THE NEWSLETTER
(Time for a cat nap.)
The Snooze Letter of the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild is
copyright no one because our copy editor is out of the country for tax evasion.
If you want to copy it, post it, print it, have at it, but don’t change it and blame us
READ ME: If you send us an email, begin the subject of your email with ECG,
Eksentriks, Discordia, or something equally obviously Discordian (make it
obvious!). We are dedicated Spam Deleters, and don’t want to dispose of your
wonderfulness. Attachments will not ordinarily be opened because we don’t
know where they’ve been. Send your stuff to Editor (or something that looks a
lot like that) at email@example.com . We Reserve the Right to Post, Edit, and Cat
Scratch All Contributions. If you do not want your email or portion of it to appear
in the newsletter, tell us or suffer the consequences.
Let us know if you want on or off our mailing list. We also welcome suggestions,
criticisms, nominations, membership applications, contributions, photos of
yourself in Hello Kitty underwear, and your old home movies of Lithuanian Cat
Juggling. As we add and subtract by paw--we mean hand--it may not be
immediate, but should be purrty quick. We don’t share our email lists with
anybody, so if you get any spam it’s not because of us. Blame it on Catbert, Bill
the Cat, Bucky (the cat), or the ever-popular The Agents of Greyface (T.A.G.)
Note: Did you notice that the Stupid Theme of the Month for this issue was cats,
and we never once used the word “pussy?” Ok, actually we did, but we just like
Copy my one-eyed cat note it isn't copyright no one use as you like. *Lick*