|A sample Snooze Letter of
the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild
OF THE EK-SEN-TRIKS CLUBORGUILD
in praise of the Goddess Discordia
and a damn fine automobile
Setting Orange, 51 Bureacracy 3170
(mundanely Thursday, 27 September 2004)
otherwise known as
The Here Fishy Fishy Issue
Get Me Off This Damn Island
One of our subscribers wonders, what on earth is this whole thing about? Why
am I getting this, and who are you, anyway?
So we’ll attempt to answer your question in 23 words or less. Just sit right back
and you’ll hear a tale of, never mind. Here goes:
“The Principia Discordia germinated in the 1950s and includes cosmic clowing,
spiritual satire, concept art, and real philosophy. Ek-sen-triks are similar but
different.” Dang, it’s hard to say much in 23 words. Guess we shouldn’t keep
telling our new members to do that, huh? But to learn more about
Discordianism, read the quotes we’ve sprinkled this letter with, do a web search
for Principia Discordia, and visit www.geocities.com/bloodstar84 which we hope
is still there. Or look for the Coming Website, which we will describe below.
*BELOW (NEW WEBSITE COMING????)*
We may, once again and for the first time, be building a nifty cool website with
our own domain name, which will be shared with some of our members under
their non-Discordian, non-Ek-sen-trik identities. YES! Sorry, we tried to remain
calm. Ahem. We can use ideas, writings, financial help, artwork, photos, links,
monetary support, stupid stuff, cool stuff, fishy stuffy, and donations. We hate
asking for money, but The Agents of Greyface seized (stole) a lot of our stuff
and aren’t giving it back, which led to financial ruin. Shame on them.
But forgetting about that right now, we can use your help! If you want to jump in
(the water’s fine), email us at the address at the bottom of this newsletter.
It’s like the tide: FEARLESS FRED out, FEARLESS FRED in.
*LET ME INTRODUCE TO YOU*
ANUS FAMILIARUS, still relatively a new member, sent us a self-describing
member description in the required 23 words or less (more or less, mostly more--
but that’s ok! More is better, as we discovered above.).
“I was born, I grew hair, I learned to walk, I learned to bite really hard, I learned
to run, I learned to ride a bike, I learned to read, I learned to walk on all fours, I
learned to act like a dog, I learned to relieve myself in the back yard.”
That’s way more than 23 words long, but who’s counting? Thanks for the
retort! And somebody teach that member to use the socially acceptable
receptacle for the waste products of human relief, the pooper scooper.
TOO RIPE MELONS is getting riper and riper. At least that’s what we assume,
‘cause we don’t know where she go.
*I ONCE WAS LOST BUT NOW AM FOUND*
BLOODSTAR is no longer considered missing. The traveling space alien is now
considered dead for tax purposes (yes, this joke is ripped off). A ressurrection
is hoped for during the next tax year.
*SACRED CHAO VS. HOLY CHAO*
A debate has begun on whether the tattoo on the belly of Saint The Mary should
be referred to as the “Holy Chao,” or the “Sacred Chao.” It’s called the “Sacred
Chao” in the Principia Discordia, but hers comes with a belly button, which
makes it a “Holy (holey) Chao.” So how do we decide? Duel by throwing gourds
at five paces? Or you could just send us your opinions to the email at the
bottom of this newsletter.
(For those of you who aren’t blessed or cursed with the Steve Jackson Games
edition of Principia Discordia, we reproduce this entry from page 94, which is
copyright free. This is an approprate festival for this season. Why? Hint:
pumpkins are gourds.)
A holiday of the Holy Knights of Discord
Gourdfest is a celebration of nothing in particular which is held at no set time
(although it usually takes place when you can get a shitload of gourds).
Gourdfest is a simple ceremony that can be performed by at least 5 Discordians
and with 25 gourds (25/5=5). Each gourd must be cut to hold at least one
candle. Once the gourds are prepared place them on the ground so they form
a large circle. When night falls, light all of the gourds and build a fire in the
middle of the circle. Once the fire is burning and all of the candles are lit,
everyone present must enter the circle and chant: Hunda-Howda-Hunda-Howda,
GOURD! This is primarily to scare the neighbors.
The ceremony involves the primal CHAOS in the surroundings, and causes a
temporary, localized change in physical reality. Unfortunately, our human brains
will ignore this change, so it will appear as though nothing has happened. If
nothing seems to happen, then the ceremony was successful. If it starts raining
cheese, you fucked up.
*SPRECHEN SIE DEUTSCH?*
Some of REVEREND LOVESHADE’S work, along with that of other Discordians
appearing in the Apocrypha Discordia, has been translated from English into
German. (How do you say, “That is so cool” in German?) Those Germans need
a little Discord now and then--it’s the oil that keeps freedom flowing. Anybody
know if it’s been translated into Russian? (Equation: Terrorist Threat to
Freedom + Government Response to Protect Its Citizens From Terrorist Threat
= Less Freedom. Is there something wrong with this equation?) Find the site as
Website of the Month.
*WEBSITE OF THE MONTH*
The Apocrypha Discordia, containing some of REVEREND LOVESHADE's work
and a mention of BLOODSTAR, is at http://weird.gmxhome.
de/principia/apocrypha2de.html Check it out!
*MEMBER NEWS OF THE MONTH*
UNICORNIA went to this Prayer at the Pole thingy at her schooly with a friendy.
This event was apparently held at elementary schools through colleges in
various parts of America, at least, on Pungenday, 39 Bureaucracy 3170.
Students who wanted to participate would meet at the flag pole well before
school began for the day. But while others were praying to God, she and her
friend prayed primarily to the Goddess. (Yes, they’re Wiccan, but Eris/Discordia
is a valid aspect of the Wiccan Goddess as well, so there.) Hail Eris, All Hail
*ANSWERS TO LAST MONTH’S CAT TRIVIA*
2) Bond, James Bond.
3) Earth Kitt, Halle Berry, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Lee Merriweather.
4) Heck if we know.
5) See the Quicky Quiz for a Clue.
There’s two things in the world that smell like fish. One of them’s fish. What’s
the other thing?
*POEM OF THE MONTHLY*
This is in praise of THE MARY, being one of our personal Saints, Second Class.
(For those who don’t know, Second Class is reserved for people who, while
deserving sainthood, are actual, and thus less capable of perfection). It was writ
by our esteemed Episkopos and Fearless Leader, REVEREND LOVESHADE,
who is currently living in X-Isle (wait--if the Rev. is fearless, why is e hiding?)
Read it and be enlightened (the “Sacred Chao” references may be changed to
“Holy Chao,” depending on members’ input--see “Sacred Chaos vs. Holy Chao”
above). By the way, as far as we know, everything mentioned in this poem is
true, although some of it only happened in cyberspace, so caviar lector (ok, it’s
caveat lector, but this issue is fishy, remember?)
(Discordian Saint, Second Class,
Keeper of the Sacred Chao Belly)
by REVEREND LOVESHADE
(Episkopos of the Discordian Division
of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild)
When contemplating things contrary,
One must consider well The Mary.
Not Virgin, Bloody, or Ginger’s friend Ann,
But Saint Second Class, Discordian.
While others preach monogamy,
She all at once wed husbands three.
While most brides wear a wedding gown,
This bride and grooms and guests stripped down.
But grooms were not her consummaters--
She longed, instead, to master bettas.
She ate no fish, but fish she bred,
And got her monkey, stuffed, in bed.
And then to make herself more yummy,
She pierced her paps, tattooed her tummy.
The Sacred Chao her belly hosts,
And each who rubs it, hell, ‘e boasts!
So when greyfaces force the rules,
When grid-locked minds curse popes as fools,
Expose your belly, rub, don’t tarry,
Proclaim it hers with “Hail The Mary!”
Yesterday, 50 Bureaucracy 3170 (26 Sept. 2004) was Bureflux. Oops! We
missed it. But heck, we have no idea what that holiday is for anyway.
1 Aftermath 3170 (20 Oct. 2004) isn’t really a holiday, we don’t think, but it is the
first day of Aftermath which is, of course, the fifth and final season of the year. It’
s the season of Patron Apostle The Elder Malaclypse.
5 Aftermath 3170 (24 Oct. 2004) is Maladay, when we celebrate The Elder
Malaclypse. (Remember that Malaclypse the Younger, also known as Mal-2,
penned and layed out most of the Principia Discordia). From the Principia:
“(The Elder Malaclypse was) a wandering Wiseman of Ancient Mediterrania
(“Med-Terra,” or middle earth), who followed a 5-pointed Star through the alleys
of Rome, Damascus, Baghdad, Jerusalem, Mecca and Cairo, bearing a sign that
seemed to read ‘DOOM”. (This is a misunderstanding. The sign actually read
‘DUMB.” Mal-1 is a Non-Prophet....)”
The Unknown Holyday: We really aren’t certain when this is, but think it’s some
time very close to Maladay. Do something anonymous, preferably while wearing
a bag over your head. (Which head is up to you). Note: the term “bag” as used
here refers to a “sack,” not to an udder or “homely” woman. Although those
could be interesting to wear on your head too.
*THIS MONTH’S READINGS FROM THE FIVE HOLY BOOKS*
(of the D & D of the E.C.G.)
PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA, 4TH EDITION: Any page that mentions fish.
APOCRYPHA DISCORDIA, 2ND EDITION: Page 00014
THE BY-LAWS OF THE EK-SEN-TRIKS CLUBORGUILD (if you can find it, send
us a copy): Pages 10-13.
THE BOOK OF LIES AND OTHER GAMES: Just fish around for the halibat.
SEARS 1975 SPRING AND SUMMER CATALOG: Pages 1016, 1058, 506, 1013,
1060, 1063, 1070. For heathen scum who prefer the SEARS 1975 FALL AND
WINTER CATALOG, read the same pages while standing on your head in a
bucket of pirana fish.
*WE DON’T DO PARTISIAN POLITICS BUT*
If you live in America and are at the (arbitrary) age where you can vote, please
do so responsibly. Don’t drink and vote! (Although according to a recent court
decision, you can drink like a fish and still serve jury duty in America.) Learn
about the issues and candidates first--please don’t vote in Ignorance. It’s a
really nasty place, and it’s the Sister City of Fear. Fear and Ignorance,
Ignorance and Fear--they go together. Please don’t go with them.
*THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA/NEWSLETTER*
The Snooze Letter of the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild is
copyright no one, as is Discordian tradition. If you want to copy it, post it, or
print it, ask permission from no one first. If no one gives you permission, go for
it. Just don’t change it or you might change into a Precious Mao button.
READ ME: If you send us an email, begin the subject of your email with ECG,
Eksentriks, Discordia, or something equally obviously Discordian (make it
obvious!). We just got sent another virus as an attachment, and this from
Cornell University, so we don’t ordinarily open attachments unless we KNOW it’s
safe. Send your stuff to Editor (or something that looks a lot like that) at
firstname.lastname@example.org . We Reserve the Right to Post, Edit, and Scale Down All
Contributions. If you do not want your email or portion of it to appear in the
newsletter, tell us or it’s all your fault.
Let us know if you want on or off our mailing list. We’ll do it as quick as we can,
which might be a few days as we’re pretending we have lives. We also welcome
suggestions, criticisms, nominations, membership applications, contributions,
photos of yourself dressed as a mermaid and/or merman, and unopened cans
of tuna. We don’t share our email lists with anybody, so if you get any spam it’s
not because of us. Feed that spam to the sharks--they love it.
Note: Did you notice that the Stupid Theme of the Month for this issue was fish,
and we never once mentioned Sperm Whales? What? You claim they aren’t
fish? Well, then what swallowed Jonah, huh?
|Copyright Jonah's whale so it ain't copyright no one use as you like.