(Note to Clock Watchers: Earlier reports claimed this meeting happened between Friday, August 25, and
Sunday, August 27 2006. In a way, it did. But we were there from Friday, November 24, to Sunday,
November 26, the weekend after the American Thanksgiving holiday when we all had some time off. As
our alien physicist BloodStar isn't here, we can't explain exactly how this happened. But we know it has
something to do with the 11th dimension, the unobserved decay of radioactive isotopes, string theory,
fractals, and Emma Watson. Or maybe we just changed the dates.)
FRIDAY, 24 November 2006
17.00 hrs (5:00 p.m.) As we arrived for Registration, we discovered the supposedly 13 story Were Lion
Hotel was in fact the single story We’re Lying Motel.
At 17.23 hrs (5:23 p.m.), a lone protester showed up, carrying a sign that said “Beware the Elppin!” We
had no idea who Elppin was, nor did we care.
At 17.37 hrs. (5:37 p.m.) Registrar Untroubled Teen decided we were too organized, declared
Deregistration, and tore up all the registration records. This was hailed as a great move.
At about 18.05 hrs. (6:05 p.m.), we got hungry and decided to look for a place to eat. We snuck past the
lone protester by using white motel sheets and pillow cases to make robes and hoods. As we were in
White Settlement, no one stopped us.
At about 18.20 hrs. (6:20 p.m.), Untroubled Teen reminded us we had already paid for a banquet at the
motel. We all headed back to eat, except for Mr. Bear, who was already stuffed. Little Dorothy left to go
looking for Mr. Bear.
The meal was mediocre except for dessert, which consisted of Paco the Fruit Bat’s Pineapple Upside
Down Pie, and Mary Jane’s Special Brownies.
At 18.30 hrs. (6:30 p.m.), we were mellowed out and ready to see and hear Special Guest Speaker Pope
Higgins of W.E.T.D.I.A.P.E.R.S. enlighten us on “Discordianism in the Late 32nd Century.”
Some time about 19.00 hrs. (7:00 p.m.), we realized Pope Higgins wasn’t there and we’d all been staring
at an empty podium for 30 minutes.
At 19.35 hrs. (7:35 p.m.), a food and drink fight broke out, which delayed the beginning of the Special Two-
Part Film and Powerpoint Presentations: “How We Celebrated Multiversal Underwear Day” and
“Spanking Through The Ages.” Some time during the battle, Pope Higgins returned, having found
Little Dorothy and Mr. Bear.
At about 19.45 hrs. (7:45 p.m.) we discovered that someone had hooked up the wrong computer, and
instead of seeing the scheduled presentations, we were all looking at a series of web cams of shocking,
illicit and possibly obscene pornographic acts.
At a little after 21.00 hrs. (9:00 p.m.), Security Guard Ian Angel entered our conference room, realized
someone had hacked into the server for the motel room security cameras, and turned off the computer
and our access to the web cams. We then pelted the guard.
Realizing we were an hour late for the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild 25th Anniversary Costume Party, we
all had a mad rush to get into our outfits. But because the registration records had been destroyed,
nobody knew what motel room they were assigned to or where their clothes were. So most of us ended
wearing someone else’s party attire. Princess Unicornia, who as a unicorn-centaur has four legs, got
into both Danacasso’s and Reverend Loveshade’s pants. Binky the WonderSkull wore the 29-
centimeter tall Fairy Princess Yoshikyoko’s Barbie Doll Cheerleader costume on es head, which left
Yoshikyoko improvising a two-barrelled sling shot costume out of one of Untroubled Teen’s bras.
Chaos broke out as Little Dorothy caught Mr. Bear lying on the floor, trying to look up Bellydancer
Upyours' dress (the belly dancer was squeezed into Little Dorothy's Goldilocks costume). While Dorothy
spanked Mr. Bear for being naughty, Pope Higgins spanked Little Dorothy for getting lost. Then several
people spanked Pope Higgins for not showing up for es presentation. Then everyone started spanking
everybody else just for fun.
Eventually, everyone fell asleep in time to get two or three hours rest for the next day’s competitions.
SATURDAY, 25 November 2006
08.30 hrs. (8:30 a.m.) We had Breakfast in Bed, or breakfast wherever we happened to wake up. In the
case of Paco the Fruit Bat, this meant Breakfast While Hanging Upside Down in the Closet. Wherever we
were, Marian the Maid made no complaints at cleaning up our messes, so we invited Marian to the
At 09.00 hrs. (9:00 a.m.), we considered getting ready to attend “Exercise for Health” led by Physical
Therapist Groin Polle.
At 09.05 hrs. (9:05 a.m), we decided to go back to sleep instead.
By 10.25 hrs. (10:25 a.m.), most of us were wearing nothing but our towels in anticipation of Danacasso’s
Workshop presentation on “Body Painting.” But several people suddenly ran out of the motel when they
heard a whispered rumor that the workshop was actually “Body Fluid Painting.” The few people who
stayed were disappointed to learn that Danacasso only used paint.
Some time around 12.00 hrs. (12:00 p.m.), we had Lunch on the Grass. Due to a misunderstanding,
some attendees learned they brought their bongs for nothing.
At about 13.45 hrs. (1:45 p.m.), we realized we’d ran out of time to read the rules for Presentation of
Proposals, so we threw the rules out.
We announced a Panel of Five to judge our competitions. These were Danacasso and Untroubled
Teen of the Ek-sen-trik Discordians; Sister Lorraine of Fairy Tree and Perlie the Pony Girl of the
Mythics; and Pope Higgins of W.E.T.D.I.A.P.E.R.S., who was chosen as the neutral chair of the
committee. Both sides then proceeded to bribe the Pope.
Scoring went like this:
The losing team would have to support the winning team in their Quest for Domination of the World.
For the first presentation, Binky the WonderSkull of the D & D of the ECG proposed giving “Voting
Rights for the Dead.” But as Binky’s proposition was not properly identified as being sponsored by the Ek-
sen-trik Discordians, and as most of the people who favored the proposition didn’t have the right to vote
because they were dead, the motion failed. As there was no legitimate sponsor, the Panel of Five ruled it
was no points to anyone.
Mythics of Harmonia Founders Princess Unicornia and Fairy Princess Yoshikyoko showed their
support for “Topfree for You and Me.” Voting was done by demonstration--keeping your top on was a no
vote, while losing your top was a vote yes. As several people pulled off not only their own but other
people's tops, the motion passed overwhelmingly. 10 points were awarded to the Mythics.
Reverend Loveshade of the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild began discussing
“Spanking: a Disorder or a Holiday?” But Princess Unicornia of the Mythics quickly interrupted and
said, “Everyone just spanked somebody yesterday, so let’s make November 24 Spanking Day.” The
motion quickly passed. As the proposal was made by an Ek-sen-trik Discordian but the motion was made
by a Mythic, the judges awarded 5 points for the Mythics, and 5 points for the Ek-sen-trik
Discordians. (Note: This holyday may actually be August 25, we aren't sure).
An open presentation may have begun a revolution. A previously unknown nixie naturist and Sister
Lorraine of Fairy Tree proposed creating “Discordians for Jesus.” The motion proved popular, and
easily passed. The Mythics claimed victory as Sister Lorraine was one of their own, but the judges gave
the 10 points to the Discordians for Jesus. The Mythics decided to increase their bribes.
Instead of going on the 15.00 hrs. (3:00 p.m.) “Three Hour Tour of Historical Places” by Tour Guide Ima
Boar, we instead followed Tony the Transsexual Incontinent on a less lengthy and much more
interesting tour of men’s and women’s public and private restrooms.
This shorter tour left us time to see both of the workshops, “Sex in Prison: A Demonstration” presented
in the shower by JC-642831 and JC-428569; and “Designer Clothing Made from Ice Cream” presented
by Two Scoops Taloose and Dr. Nancy Big Dip.
At 17.37 hrs. (5:37 p.m.), we showered off our new clothes.
At 18.30 hrs. (6:30 p.m.), we sat down to dinner on bottoms still sore from yesterday, and heard the results
of the first day’s competion: 15 points for the Mythics of Harmonia; 5 points for the Discordian Division
of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild; and 10 points for Discordians for Jesus. Both sides then tried to
recruit the DJs to get their points. Meanwhile, someone started passing around a couple of cloved lemons
for the Cloved Lemon Kissing Game, which continued throughout the rest of the conference.
At 19.00 hrs. (7:00 p.m.), we began learning “The Sacred Art of Posing with Binky the WonderSkull.”
This soon devolved into a photographed session of skull tongue kissing.
After the 19.30 hrs. (7:30 p.m.) Shamlicht Boys and Shamlicht Girls (which later merged to become
Shamlicht Kids Club) Special Presentation: “Farting: The Musical,” we had planned to enjoy “A Little
Song and Dance” by Little Dorothy and Mr. Bear. But instead, immediately after the musical we had an
Emergency Presentation provided by Local Paramedics that we called, “Surviving an Attack of Toxic
By about 20.30 hrs. (8:30 p.m.), we realized that half of us expected to celebrate 537 Day with a Toga
Party, and the other half expected a Swim Party. We worked out a compromise, and had a Toga Swim
Party. This in turn became a Submersed Wet Toga Contest. We quickly learned that togas do not stay
on very well during food fights in the pool. Marian the Maid, who joined us, didn’t seem to mind the
mess. Perhaps that’s because Marian wasn’t assigned to clean the pool.
SUNDAY, 26 November 2006
08.30 hrs. (8:30 a.m.) Some of us had Breakfast in Bed, while others had Breakfast in Somebody’s
Else's Bed. Marian the Maid, following directions left on the door, made the bed of Mr. Bear and Little
Dorothy while they were still in it.
When we learned that our to-be-announced morning presentation was called “Checking Out Rules,” we
skipped it and instead got a little more sleep.
At 10.00 hrs. (10:00 a.m.) we went to Discordian Sunday School. Reverend Loveshade taught us how
Eris (Discordia) lied and rose from the bed in three days. This made Eris the pathway to salivation.
At 11.00 hrs. (11:00 a.m.), we had our Erisening Service (Ek-sen-trik Discordians)/ Harmonizing
Service (Harmonians)/ Erisening-Christening (DJs). Reverend Loveshade led the Ek-sen-trik
Discordian ceremony, with help from Binky the WonderSkull. After being examined privately to insure
they weren't cabbages, candidates wore nothing but thin white motel sheets. Reverend Loveshade then
poured a bucket of water over Untroubled Teen, and then a bucket over Paco the Fruit Bat, Erisening
them retroactively. Then e poured and Erisened new members Marian as Motel Maid Marian and a
woman who showed up at the Toga Swim Party (who's real name we never did learn) as TawTew the
Princess Unicornia, assisted by Fairy Princess Yoshikyoko, required their candidates to wear their
underwear on their heads. They then Harmonized, by sprinkling, Sister Lorraine of Fairy Tree and
Perlie the Pony Girl.
In an unscheduled ceremony, the Discordians for Jesus had a traditional Christian baptism, which
required immersion while dressed as at birth. Sister Lorraine of Fairy Tree Christened-Erisened the
unknown naturist nixie to be Nixie Nurita.
Some time around 12.00 hrs. (12:00 p.m.), we were scheduled to have Lunch by the Tree. Instead, we
had the revelation that our motel room reservations had expired at 11.00 hrs. (11:00 a.m.), and our stuff
had been thrown into the hallways. Fortunately, this time several people had planned ahead for lunch and
brought their own grass and bongs, which they shared, so we didn't care.
By 13.00 hrs. (1:00 p.m.), it was time to continue the competition by hearing Presentations of Proposals.
Reverend Loveshade, representing the Ek-sen-trik Discordians, proposed “Protecting People from
Pornography: Censoring the Bible.” While the motion to declare the Bible Pornographic and Obscene
passed, the judges said such a motion would have no real effect. Reverend Loveshade argued that many
motions of the legislature have no real effect either, but the Ek-sen-trik Discordians were only give 5
Fairy Princess Yoshikyoko of the Mythics presented “Endangered Species: Save Our Rubber
Chickens.” While the Ek-sen-trik Discordians argued that rubber chickens weren’t alive, Yoshikyoko
pointed out that Binky the WonderSkull wasn’t either. But then the Ek-sen-trik Discordians presented
the results of an Internet search that revealed rubber chickens could be found in any novelty shop, their
natural habitat, and thus were not endangered. The motion failed, meaning -10 points for the Mythics.
The Ek-sen-trik Discordians strongly objected to “Born Again Virgin Sex” presented by Princess
Unicornia of the Mythics, as Unicornia was a real virgin and thus couldn’t be a born again one. But Fairy
Princess Yoshikyoko asked Reverend Loveshade, “Did you sleep with the princess last night?”
Loveshade, wanting to assert the princess’ virginity, responded, “No, I certainly didn’t.” Then Yoshikyoko
questioned, “So if you weren’t there last night, how do you know Unicornia is still a virgin?” Then
Bellydancer Upyours proposed the motion that, “Born Again Virgin Sex shall be declared a valid
alternative lifestyle, including at Summit Meetings.” Not even Reverend Loveshade could vote against
that, so the motion passed, and the Mythics were awarded 10 points.
There were no outsider presentations, so the totals so far were announced: 15 points for the Mythics, 10
points for the Ek-sen-trik Discordians, and 10 points for the DJ’s (who weren’t officially involved in the
By 15.00 hrs. (3:00 p.m.), it was time for Preparation for the Final Battles between the Discordian
Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild and Mythics of Harmonia to determine Ultimate Supremacy
and World Rulership. Victory could be anyone’s, for there were still 100 points at stake.
At 15.37 hrs (3:37 p.m.), the Battles began. Each contest involved two rounds of one-on-one competition.
These contests were:
Fish Slapping (25 points)
Fruit Pie Throwing (25 points)
Nude Mud Wrestling (50 points)
For any competition, Failure to Compete meant minus the normal points.
The Fish Slapping competition was held first to see who could slap whom into the pool first.
Mythic Perlie the Pony Girl (who also served as a judge) went head to head with Ek-sen-trik Binky the
WonderSkull. It seemed an easy win for Perlie, as Binky had no hands to use to hold a fish. But Binky
proved to be a skilled mouth fish slapper, and the much taller centaur Perlie couldn’t even reach Binky.
But finally, Perlie kneeled and lay down, and with three good slaps Binky slid into the pool with a great
splash. It was 12 1/2 points for the Mythics.
The other contest seemed to be over almost instantly. Bellydancer Upyours of the Mythics competed
while bellydancing, which completely distracted Ek-sen-trik Discordian Puk Cuf the Backwards, who was
quickly fish slapped into the pool. But Reverend Loveshade argued that, since Puk Cuf was backwards,
being fish slapped into the pool qualified as being fish slapped out. The judges, after a heated debate,
agreed, and penalized the Mythics with a score of -12 1/2 points. Because of the confusion, nobody
realized that Puk Cuf was lost in the pool.
Total for the Fish Slapping Competition: Mythics 0, Ek-sen-trik Discordians 0. The score still stood at
15 to 10 in favor of the Mythics.
In the Fruit Pie Throwing competition, Sister Lorraine of Fairy Tree didn’t stand a change against
Paco the Fruit Bat. Hitting a small flying bat with a pie proved extremely difficult. Paco, on the other
hand, flew and strafed and bombed Lorraine repeatedly. It was 12 1/2 points for the Ek-sen-trik
The Mythics strongly opposed their Fairy Princess Yoshikyoko having to compete in a pie-throwing
competition against the eight-armed Dr. Octopussy. The doctor, they argued, wasn’t even a member of
the Ek-sen-trik Discordians, and was thus a ringer. The Ek-sen-trik Discordians quickly withdrew their
competitor in relief, for they alone knew that Dr. Octopussy hadn’t shown up, which could have meant -12
1/2 points for failing to compete. The small winged’ princess used Paco’s technique of flying while throwing
against the Ek-sen-trik Discordians substitute Motel Maid Marian. Marian threw just once (which barely
counted as competing), then, out of habit and employment, started cleaning up the mess. It was an easy
12 1/2 points for the Mythics.
The score stood at 27 1/2 for the Mythics, and 22 1/2 for the Ek-sen-trik Discordians. It all came down
to the final competition: Nude Mud Wrestling. Points in each of two competitions would be given for
artistic presentation (5 points), technique (5 points), and successful pin (15 points), for a total of 50 points.
Ek-sen-trik Discordian Reverend Loveshade stripped, as did es Mythic opponent Princess Unicornia.
Binky the WonderSkull and Fairy Princess Yoshikyoko waited their turn. These would be the Final
The wrestling between the humanoid Reverend Loveshade and the unicorn-centaur Princess
Unicornia was intense, with muddy naked body part against naked muddy body part. But ultimately,
Loveshade learned why people rode horses and not the other way round. If a horse sat on you, neither
one of you was going anywhere. The Ek-sen-trik Discordians hoped for points for best fall.
The other nude mud wrestling contest seemed an obvious win for the Mythics; how could Binky the
WonderSkull outwrestle Fairy Princess Yoshikyoko when Binky had no arms or legs? But the Mythics
had failed to notice how sluggishly Binky has slid into the water when fish slapped by Perlie, and how great
a splash the skull had made. For the previous month, Binky had been consuming a diet of pure iron.
While a mere skull, Binky’s weight had grown to a heavy 10 kilograms. And with the suction afforded by
the mud, Binky's effective resistance to being pushed over was almost doubled. The .2 kilogram fairy,
even with the force of flight, simply couldn’t budge an iron skull. Loveshade taunted Yoshi with the grave
robber taunt, "Say, Yoshi, try scooping up the fun." Eventually, Yoshikyoko collapsed from exhaustion in
Both sides claimed victory. The Ek-sen-trik Discordians argued that Loveshade’s artistry and technique
were better than Unicornia’s, meaning 10 points for the Ek-sen-trik Discordians and 15 for the Mythics for
the first half. Furthermore, Yoshikyoko’s had quit, meaning the Mythics would get a -25 point penalty for
the second half.
But the Mythics argued that Unicornia was better in all ways, meaning 25 points for the Mythics. They also
claimed Yoshikyoko had not quit but had competed til the end, and that Binky hadn’t shown any artistic
presentation or technique, and in fact was the one who hadn’t competed, meaning an additional 10 points
for the Mythics and -25 for the Ek-sen-trik Discordians. Both sides had to wait for dinner for the
announcement of the winner, who would be the future Dominator of the World.
After time for rather crowded group showers in the one empty motel room we still had keys for, dinner
began at 18:30 hrs. (6:30 p.m.). “Menu choices to be announced,” ended up meaning the previous two
days leftovers. Everyone kept an eye on the judges who sat at the head table: Danacasso, Perlie the
Pony Girl, Sister Lorraine of Fairy Tree, Untroubled Teen; and the person everyone believed would
be the deciding vote, Pope Higgins. Both sides continued to bribe the pope, even through dinner.
Among other items, Higgins received a train ticket, a paddle, and a monkey.
At 19.00 hrs. (7:00 p.m.), Pope Higgins MC'd Awards Presentation to the Winners of Individual
Competitions, which featured the usual dull comic quibs and boring speeches.
But finally, at about 20:30 hrs. (8:30 p.m.), it was time for the announcement of the winners of the Nude
Mud Wrestling competition, which would reveal the group destined for Domination of the World!
Pope Higgins turned over the podium to Little Dorothy and Mr. Bear. Little Dorothy said, “Please
understand that if the winner isn’t available to take over the world for some reason, like if they have a bad
cold or something, that the runner up can fill in. May I have the envelop, please?”
A couple Agents in Black, wearing black robes and even blacker sunglasses, entered. They handed
Little Dorothy a plain manila envelop.
“Mr. Bear will read the name of the winner,” Dorothy said. “Just as soon as I open this envelop."
At that moment, the lights went out, and the room went completely black. There were cries of "Eek!" and
What happened?" and "Hey! Who's hand is that and what is it doing in my back pocket?" As no
emergency lights came on, a few flashlights were shined toward the podium so the ceremony could
continue. Little Dorothy opened the decorated white envelop, pulled out a white file card, and showed it
to Mr. Bear. But as Mr. Bear couldn't read, the card was handed to Pope Higgins. Pope Higgins said,
"The winner and future Ruler of the World is--" then looked at the card, and read "Beware the Elppin."
Utter chaos erupted. Fruit pies and other food, drinks, mud and still wet togas were thrown everywhere.
The flashlights were stolen, dropped or broken, and there were cries of "Eek!" "What's happening?" and
"Who stole my pants?" When someone finally found and turned on the circuit breaker for the lights,
someone else screamed, "Oh my Goddess! Mr. Bear and Bink the WonderSkull are dead!" After it
was explained that a teddy bear couldn't die and a detached skull was already dead, the chaos erupted
into a party that lasted well into the next day. It was later, when we figured that we could still determine the
Ruler of the World by checking with the Panel of Five, we noticed that the five judges were all missing.
Monday 27 November 2006
Starting at about 07.35 hrs. (7:35 a.m.), we realized the conference had ended yesterday, none of us had
a motel room, and some of us were supposed to be back at work or school in 25 minutes.
At about 07.40 hrs. (7:40 a.m.), we started calling work or school and claimed we were sick.
Eventually, most of us went home. We're still looking for Danacasso, whom we believe was violently
disposed as Ars Deviantis Ministeralis; Sister Lorraine of Fairy Tree, whom we suspect was brainwashed
by Discordians for Jesus; and Pope Higgins, who was allegedly seen riding the last train to Clarksville
while spanking es monkey. The other two judges were later found in a hot tub. Untroubled Teen claims
the true winner was the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild, but Perlie the Pony Girl
claims it was the Mythics of Harmonia. We forgot to look for Puk Cuf the Backwards, but promise we
will just as soon as we find the monkey.
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|What Actually Happened* at the
November 24 to 26 2006
Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild
Mythics of Harmonia
|WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED AT
THE WORLD DOMINATION CONFERENCE
(TO DETERMINE RULERSHIP OF THE WORD)
OF THE DISCORDIAN DIVISION OF THE EK-SEN-TRIKS CLUBORGUILD
MYTHICS OF HARMONIA
(24 to 26 November 2006)
as prepared by Reverend Loveshade
from accounts by Danacasso, Fairy Princess Yoshikyoko,
Nixie Nurita, Princess Unicornia, Untroubled Teen and Others
Held in the City of White Settlement
- normal points
Fish Slapping Competition:
Fruit Pie Throwing Contest:
Nude Mud Wrestling:
Failure to Compete in Any Competition: