Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Five Holy Books

V. SEARS SPRING & SUMMER 1975 CATALOG: : (The Mythics of Harmonia
claim that our Fifth Holy Book is actually the infamous SEARS FALL &
WINTER 1975 CATALOG, but that is heresy). The first major Sears catalog
produced after the resignation of American President Richard M. Nixon, and
thus the first one of the true 1970s and the new age of cynicism. (The
resignation in summer of 1974 was actually the end of the 60s movement,
which began in November of 1963 with the assassination of John F. Kennedy,
who ironically had run against Nixon in 1960. Discordian connection: Omar
Khayyam Ravenhurst was investigated in regard to President Kennedy's
assassination, and note further than when Nixon left the White House, the Fall
& Winter 1974 Catalog was, like Principia Discordia, already off the press).

This is perhaps the only mass-produced publication still in existence that
correctly defines the word *Fnord.* (Some claim there*s a printing of the King
James Version of the Bible that has it, but which edition is unknown. Others
say it can be found in backward masking on Pink Floyd*s *Wish You Were
Here* album on LP only, but others claim it*s only on eight track. Still others
say the album is actually *Dark Side of the Moon,* but only if it*s synchronized
with the 1939 movie *The Wizard of Oz.* None of these claims are verified.)
In any case, the definition is known to be a bear to find as it*s extremely
well-hidden in the catalog.

There are a few known clues: it*s said one should note the catalog*s use of
the words and phrases *nylon,* *polyester,* and *Machine wash, warm.* It*s
also suggested to study pages 223-227, compare two average clocks in the
beginning with two at the end, and note the difference. These clues were
allegedly planted by one known as *Gypsie Skripto,* a Discordian who wrote
ad copy for Sears at that time. Also of particular interest are pages 237, 315,
535 (there*s more than one page 535), 537 (which lists *vibrators,*
*lubricants,* and *force pumps*), and 911 (note the target with the word *club*
in the middle). Just for fun, look for the now famous person found somewhere
between pages 260 and 317.

I. PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA, or How I Found Goddess, and What I Did to Her
When I Found Her: This is the Magnum Opiate of Malaclypse the Younger
(featuring Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst): This is the First Book, particularly the
Fifth Edition, or A Caterpillar's Praise to the Butterfly. (Those who are not
already illuminated should probably read the Fourth Edition first, or the First
Edition fourth, if you can find it. If you have both the Second and Third
Editions, read them simultaneously, but in reverse order). Principia Discordia
explains absolutely everything worth knowing about absolutely anything.
Thus there is no need for any other book, which is why we have four more.

II. APOCRYPHA DISCORDIA: Writings complied by Rev. DrJon Swabey and
illuminated by Pope Phil Wlodarczyk III. Finally completed after Steve Jackson
allegedly abandoned the illegitimate first draft in a cardboard box under a
pool table in a pub in Liverpool, England. More Discordian writings than you
can shake a country at. Primarily included because some of our members are
mentioned in it, and a few actually contributed. Good for illuminating those
who find the original too filling. Think of it as enlightenment light. However,
much of it will make no sense whatsoever if you aren't already familiar with
Principia Discordia, so it may not be all that light after all. Ignore what we
said. In any case, the book is an oddity as it was chosen as one of our holy
books years before it was actually written (yes, that's true). Alternate Second
Holy Book: BOOK OF ERIS, edited by St. Verthaine the Goth.

III. EK-SEN-TRIK-UH DISCORDIA: THE TALES OF SHAMLICHT: A book that
is extremely difficult to find unless you use your pineal gland as a compass
during the vernal equinox while E ris is ascendant and Uranus is retrograde (or
during the autumnal equinox when Mars is descendent and Venus is
retrograde, depending upon hemisphere.) Or maybe it’s difficult to find
because we haven’t finished it yet. This contains various holy writings,
primarily by members of the D & D of the ECG under the auspices of
Reverend Loveshade, with some more crap by the Mythics of Harmonia and
Smagmoid Kids Club. (As of this writing, the only known complete copy of the
book is secretly hidden in the Rev’s Cortex--or is that Kotex?). The rest of the
writings are rip-offs of other people's stuff. (The Mythics of Harmonia claim
that our True Third Holy Book is actually THE BY-LAWS OF THE EK-SEN-
TRIKS CLUBORGUILD, first reported missing in either 1980 or 1981,
ironically before ECG Chapter One was even founded. We consider The By-
Laws to be the Alternate Third Holy Book.)

IV. THE BOOK OF LIES AND OTHER GAMES: Not to be confused with the
works of Crowley, Alfonso X or Hoyle. Little is known of this book except for a
few short passages and its opening poem which is apparently copyrighted,
making the book questionable as Discordian material. It may have been
written or translated by The Game Master of Florin, whom we believe is
actually Gamemaster Loveshade. It is rumoured that BloodStar, mentioned in
both second holy books and the traveling companion of Binky the
WonderSkull, has a copy.

Bonus Holy Books: The Adventures of Trash Gordon (allegedly based on
Fargo the Homeless); Ain't Nobody's Business If You Do: The Absurdity of
Consensual Crimes in Our Free Country (held by the FBI in their investigation
of the D & D of the ECG--yes, this is true); Alice's Adventures Underground
(not to be confused with Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, which is also a
holy book); The Autobiography of Minnie Rae; Book of Chaos; The Devil's
Dictionary; A Discordian Coloring Book; A Fnordian Bestiary; Harmful to
Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex; The Hitchhiker's Guide to
the Galaxy; The Honest Book of Truth; The Illuminatus! Trilogy; The
Illumanoids; The Mythicism of Eristotle; The Notebooks of Lazarus Long;
Novus Ordo Discordia; The Peter Principle; Principia Harmonia; The Secret
Diary of Laura Palmer; The Smagmoid Kids Club Handbook; Summa
Universalia; West End Trash (which is actually a government-seized
Discordian play); Zenarchy; and Zen Without Zen Masters.