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Chapter 00001: The Discovery of the New World

In Europe, in 1492 Galileo had proved that the earth was indeed flat. He observed that ships would indeed fall
off the edge of the world as they slowly disappeared over the horizon. It was the brave and mighty Christopher
Columbus who discovered the new world which we all know is another flat world that we land on when we fall off
of the old one. Christopher Columbus although brave was also delusional, a common misconception at the time
was that the earth was round and Columbus believed that he could reach India by traveling west when, when
looking at a map, one can clearly see that India is to the east of Europe. But this meant nothing to Columbus so
he asked all the royalty and nobility of the land for ships and supplies to go score some opium in India. Queen
Isabella of Spain was fiending for a fix and when she heard of Columbus' plan to expedite the delivery of the
score; she quickly obliged him with three of the finest ships of the Spanish fleet, the Nina, the Pinta, and the

Columbus set sail for what seemed to be certain doom. After 14 days of sailing, his three ships fell off the edge
of the world. Tragically, while falling through space, the Titanic hit a giant chunk of ice and could not remain
afloat once it landed in the new world. This was to be the very first of many losses of ships named the Titanic.
As the supplies dwindled, over the next week, the crew grew restless. They were on the verge of mutiny when
they discovered the island that was to become Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico in Spanish loosely translates to "Pile of
Indian Corpses." This is because when Columbus got there he naturally assumed the land to be India do to the
fact that the people were brown heathens. They were actually people from India who had fallen off of the other
side of the old world yet their opium had run out long ago. They also told him of more land not too far away.
Feeling much dismay, Columbus had to settle for whatever he could plunder from these people but fortunately
for him, they did possess stores of gold. Brave Columbus fought off the entirety of the inhabitants of the island
with nothing but a vial of smallpox sold to him by the greatest biological weapons producer at the time, Donald

The Nina and the Pinta sailed back to Spain. None of his crew understood how the ships fell upwards to the old
world. In fact, nobody understood this phenomenon until 1745 when Sir Isaac Newton, inspired by an upwardly
falling rock hitting him in the balls in Massachusetts, wrote his laws of motion, which mathematically prove that
the laws of physics in the eastern and western hemispheres work exactly opposite of one another.

Upon his arrival Columbus brought lots of gold and told fabulous tails of a new and exotic land. What he didn't
bring was opium so every country but the English and French abandoned all interest in the new world. Queen
Isabella went so far as to behead Columbus for his failure to bring back the tar. Americans to this day still morn
on the second Sunday of every October the death of Columbus. For his noble slaughter of Indians would
inspire nearly all of America's social policies towards the indigenous people of the land.

The survivors of the Titanic washed ashore in the New World. They suffered from post traumatic stress disorder
so out of utter confusion and lack of guidance, they became Mexicans. Mexican people are seen as the only
tragedy brought about from the discovery of the new world and their very existence haunts the United States to
this very day. For America seeks to be a melting pot for all cultures, except for Mexicans and Native Americans.

Chapter 00002: Colonization

The French and the English were the first to intentionally colonize the new world. The first English settlement
was Jamesburg, as accurately portrayed in Disney's movie "Pocahontas." As a matter of fact the movie was
based on the first hand account of Grandmother Willow. This talking tree was harvested for information and
lumber in 1956. Pocahontas has been quoted as saying "How tall will the sycamore grow? If you cut it down,
then you'll never know." Had the lyric in the song been willow as opposed to sycamore, we would have definitive
evidence that Pocahontas could travel time in the same manner as Donald Rumsfeld. It is disputed that
Pocahontas merely said sycamore in a veiled method of showing her abilities to those sympathetic to hugging
trees. Nevertheless the Indians except Pocahontas were all killed including women and children so as to
prevent them from possible reproducing and seeking revenge.

Thus the colony of Virginia was founded, named for the Queen of England whom the King believed to be a
virgin. This name was a farce however as it is documented in her diary that when she was 14 she took a trip to
Southampton and gave a farewell fornication to every sailor, male passenger and a few of the female
passengers on the Titanic before it's maiden voyage. The Titanic was a very large ship so her family made
enough money to falsify church records to link their lineage to royalty and therefore make it incestuous enough
for her to marry the king such was the standard of the day. This incident also lead to the Titanic sinking when
drunken sailors began putting holes in the hull of the ship to show how far her vagina had stretched.
Shortly after the founding of Virginia, a religious group set out on their own voyage from Europe.

Chapter 00005: Mexican independence

Most people don't know that back in 1845, Hellmann's mayo was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic
was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next
port of call for the ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest shipment of mayonnaise
ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg
and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were
disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they
still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Chapter 00023: The Civil War

The Confederates defeated the North at the legendary Battle of Orlando, during the blizzard of 1987 which
covered all of Florida in icebergs, causing the Titanic (carrying most of the North's troops) to sink. The North's
greatest general, Leonardo DiCaprio was unable to play the triumphant battle march on his ukelele, so the
remaining Northern forces were crushed by the Nazis. Slavery was rampant in the US until 2003, when Bush
passed the Patriot Act which freed all the slaves.
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