 |
Newton: As to fact or fiction, there's rumors, Reverend Loveshade, that you first had sex at age 13 with one of
your teachers and her niece; your father hung himself; you appeared in a British pornographic movie with a
15-year-old girl; the CIA murdered one of your closest friends; and you had sexual relations with your aunt,
sister, and brother.
Loveshade: Ah, rumors. Please spread some for us--they help with the publicity. I'll answer only one of
them--Dorian Jack, our conspiracy theorist who was investigated by the CIA, was found dead at home in early
2002 from what was listed as 'cardiac arrest.' As a former paramedic said, that just means the heart
stopped--everybody dies from cardiac arrest. A nurse told me the name of a commonly-administered anathesia
that if overdosed will stop the heart and be completely undetectable, but I can't remember the name of it. As to
the age thing you mentioned earlier, we got contributions from preteens through senior citizens in various parts
of the world. And all kidding aside, I've talked to Untroubled Teen's aunt, whom e actually lives with, several
times.
Untroubled: She likes him! But she's my crazy aunt.
Nixie Nurita: He talked to my parents.
Yoshikyoko: E met mine! And e kissed my mama!
Sister Lorraine of Fairy Tree (entering the tub): He talked to my parents too. My daddy said the book's
'instructive and beneficial.' That's the way Daddy talks.
Newton: Including the essays on Animal Sex, even the one on human sex? Are those good reading for a
preteen?
Craven: I would say that they are appropriate for mature older teenagers and adults. They are not for children.
Perlie: But if you don't learn about sex when you're a kid, how will you know what to do when you're grown up?
Nurita: If you're ignorant, people can make you do things you don't want to. But I'm not allowed to see the
whole book.
Lorraine: I am.
Unicornia: The animal sex essays are really about people sex, cuz people can do anything animals can do.
Newton: Dr. Craven, you wrote about six-legged sex. If you could have sex with any giant insect, which would
you choose?
Craven: Really? I would choose not to have sex with no giant insect. Most would eat me. If I had to choose; I
would choose an aphid. At least I would survive it.
Newton: This is for anyone. The book makes several references to nudism. Is nudism appropriate for
children?
Nurita: Of course! My whole family's nudist. I was born naked! (laughs)
Yoshikyoko: If you're a nudist, you're comfortable with your body! So if some jerk-off tries to force emself on
you, you're comfortable telling somebody about it.
Perlie: I'm comfortable with my body, and so is my boyfriend! (to Newton): Here's the cloved lemon. Would you
like to kiss me?
Newton: Maybe later. Right now I have to keep my tongue professional. Dr. Craven, as an ek-sen-trik
discordian and an expert on vampirism at Miskatonic University, tell us: when nobody is around who would
report you, what depraved acts do you do with vampires?
Craven: Dr. Loveshade put you up to this! I do not do any depraved things with vampyrs. When I was younger
and not a professor I had a love affair with Dutchess Margarita Zambore of Tuscany, who ruled all vampyrs in
Italy. This is all you get. A true lover never discloses details of his lovers. I scratch my head when I talk of
Reverend Loveshade.
Newton: Loveshade, you mentioned contributors from throughout the world, but aren't most of them American?
Loveshade: Maybe; I never stopped to figure that out. My current residence is in the United States of
America, but I've lived elsewhere and don't consider myself an American. Our writers and artists come from
several continents: North America, South America, Europe, Africa, Asia, Australia--is that a continent? I don't
think we have anybody from Antarctica.
Craven: I taught Der Lost Civilization of Antarctica.
Loveshade: Oh, and outer space, of course. That's where the missing BloodStar's from.
Newton: Outer space. That leaves open the question, aren't some of you actually Reverend Loveshade's
fictional characters?
Untroubled: You're here too. If we're fictional, so are you.
Newton: All right, you're real then.
Loveshade: Actually, we're all fictional characters of Gamemaster Loveshade.
Several People (as a woman floats into the room covered in a holy but unEarthly white glow): Hail The Mary!
Hail The Mary! Hail The Mary! Hail The Mary! Hail The Mary!
Newton: Saint The Mary, I know you're only making a very brief appearance, but I have to ask you: Is it merely
fiction that Reverend Loveshade married you to three grooms online six years ago when you were only 15, and
instructed you and your grooms to strip naked?
The Mary (smiling): Not at all.
Newton: Then it is true. And now Loveshade calls you a Divinely Revered Object of Obscene Lust. Don't you
find that highly offensive? Don't you feel abused and sexually harassed? Don't you think you have the right
and even the moral obligation to file formal charges?
The Mary (smiling): Not at all.
Loveshade: Saint The Mary, most lusted after one; will you stay and bless us with your wonderfully divine,
lust-inspiring presence?
The Mary (exiting): Not at all.
Newton (I didn't ask any of those questions of The Mary; Loveshade did).
your teachers and her niece; your father hung himself; you appeared in a British pornographic movie with a
15-year-old girl; the CIA murdered one of your closest friends; and you had sexual relations with your aunt,
sister, and brother.
Loveshade: Ah, rumors. Please spread some for us--they help with the publicity. I'll answer only one of
them--Dorian Jack, our conspiracy theorist who was investigated by the CIA, was found dead at home in early
2002 from what was listed as 'cardiac arrest.' As a former paramedic said, that just means the heart
stopped--everybody dies from cardiac arrest. A nurse told me the name of a commonly-administered anathesia
that if overdosed will stop the heart and be completely undetectable, but I can't remember the name of it. As to
the age thing you mentioned earlier, we got contributions from preteens through senior citizens in various parts
of the world. And all kidding aside, I've talked to Untroubled Teen's aunt, whom e actually lives with, several
times.
Untroubled: She likes him! But she's my crazy aunt.
Nixie Nurita: He talked to my parents.
Yoshikyoko: E met mine! And e kissed my mama!
Sister Lorraine of Fairy Tree (entering the tub): He talked to my parents too. My daddy said the book's
'instructive and beneficial.' That's the way Daddy talks.
Newton: Including the essays on Animal Sex, even the one on human sex? Are those good reading for a
preteen?
Craven: I would say that they are appropriate for mature older teenagers and adults. They are not for children.
Perlie: But if you don't learn about sex when you're a kid, how will you know what to do when you're grown up?
Nurita: If you're ignorant, people can make you do things you don't want to. But I'm not allowed to see the
whole book.
Lorraine: I am.
Unicornia: The animal sex essays are really about people sex, cuz people can do anything animals can do.
Newton: Dr. Craven, you wrote about six-legged sex. If you could have sex with any giant insect, which would
you choose?
Craven: Really? I would choose not to have sex with no giant insect. Most would eat me. If I had to choose; I
would choose an aphid. At least I would survive it.
Newton: This is for anyone. The book makes several references to nudism. Is nudism appropriate for
children?
Nurita: Of course! My whole family's nudist. I was born naked! (laughs)
Yoshikyoko: If you're a nudist, you're comfortable with your body! So if some jerk-off tries to force emself on
you, you're comfortable telling somebody about it.
Perlie: I'm comfortable with my body, and so is my boyfriend! (to Newton): Here's the cloved lemon. Would you
like to kiss me?
Newton: Maybe later. Right now I have to keep my tongue professional. Dr. Craven, as an ek-sen-trik
discordian and an expert on vampirism at Miskatonic University, tell us: when nobody is around who would
report you, what depraved acts do you do with vampires?
Craven: Dr. Loveshade put you up to this! I do not do any depraved things with vampyrs. When I was younger
and not a professor I had a love affair with Dutchess Margarita Zambore of Tuscany, who ruled all vampyrs in
Italy. This is all you get. A true lover never discloses details of his lovers. I scratch my head when I talk of
Reverend Loveshade.
Newton: Loveshade, you mentioned contributors from throughout the world, but aren't most of them American?
Loveshade: Maybe; I never stopped to figure that out. My current residence is in the United States of
America, but I've lived elsewhere and don't consider myself an American. Our writers and artists come from
several continents: North America, South America, Europe, Africa, Asia, Australia--is that a continent? I don't
think we have anybody from Antarctica.
Craven: I taught Der Lost Civilization of Antarctica.
Loveshade: Oh, and outer space, of course. That's where the missing BloodStar's from.
Newton: Outer space. That leaves open the question, aren't some of you actually Reverend Loveshade's
fictional characters?
Untroubled: You're here too. If we're fictional, so are you.
Newton: All right, you're real then.
Loveshade: Actually, we're all fictional characters of Gamemaster Loveshade.
Several People (as a woman floats into the room covered in a holy but unEarthly white glow): Hail The Mary!
Hail The Mary! Hail The Mary! Hail The Mary! Hail The Mary!
Newton: Saint The Mary, I know you're only making a very brief appearance, but I have to ask you: Is it merely
fiction that Reverend Loveshade married you to three grooms online six years ago when you were only 15, and
instructed you and your grooms to strip naked?
The Mary (smiling): Not at all.
Newton: Then it is true. And now Loveshade calls you a Divinely Revered Object of Obscene Lust. Don't you
find that highly offensive? Don't you feel abused and sexually harassed? Don't you think you have the right
and even the moral obligation to file formal charges?
The Mary (smiling): Not at all.
Loveshade: Saint The Mary, most lusted after one; will you stay and bless us with your wonderfully divine,
lust-inspiring presence?
The Mary (exiting): Not at all.
Newton (I didn't ask any of those questions of The Mary; Loveshade did).
| This interview is copyright 2007 by Adam Newton. We made the wallpaper, but you can use it for whatever you like. |
| Adam Newton is a freelance writer and educator. Newton has written for books, magazines, newspapers, radio and television. We're honored that e agreed to interview many of the contributors to our we're-working-to-get-it-published book, Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht. |
| PART 4 |
| October 3 2007 CE |
57 Bureaucracy
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| PART 4 of 5 |
| UPDATE: After this interview, I, Reverend Loveshade, regretted not clarifying the rumor about my father. E died from either a heart attack or an aneurysm, not from hanging. More about these rumours is at defense. |
| CLARIFICATION: Sister Lorraine's father commented on parts of the book, not the entire work, which wasn't completed. |
| SNAP BACK: So maybe I did add The Mary questions. So what? |
| CONFESSION: Yes it was me who put Newton up to asking this question. So? |